Alice! Alice!! Are You Still In Wonderland??!!–By Jude Egbas

Most Mondays in June, the Sun practically rises from the expansive courtyard of the ‘Ovaarnong’ (Chief) of Ofodua, Obubra, in Cross River State. A slew of local alcoholic beverages (‘ogogoro’, Palm wine, ‘kparaga’ ,‘awakpa’ etc) are competing for space on a dusty table beside where the Ovaarnong sits now, draped in a bowler hat, a white inner shirt and wrapper; with a plank sized chewing stick tucked firmly between both lips, while awaiting his first guest of the day. She arrives, fluttering eyelashes seductively and adorned in ‘Chris Aire’ gold apparels from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. She is the delectable and pretty Minister of Oil Palm resources in the Ofodua Kingdom, Alice…….


Good morning your highness! (Alice is the only Minister who doesn’t curtsy while greeting the Ovaarnong)
Please sit. Welcome. What took you so long? Hehehe…You don’t need to give any reasons for arriving two hours late…that was just a rhetorical question.


Where’s Madam? I was busy trying to make myself look good…at least for you….
Madam? Is that why you are sitting so far away? Come closer, will you? Madam hopped on the first flight to Dubai this morning. You know she doesn’t mess around with Dubai. When she’s not in Dubai, she is in Lagos getting in people’s way with her wonderful command of the English Language while causing vehicular traffic all over the place.

I see. I am wondering about a lot of things. As a matter of fact, I am pained this morning. I have been pained for a while.

Alice, you make me laugh…kwakwaaaaakwaaaaa… Pained over what? You should know you are the most powerful Minister in the Cabinet. I have assured you about that status a number of times. And don’t bother about my spare tyre called ‘Vice’ o! You are unofficially the next in command in this Kingdom…heheheeeeee

Really? And you could not stop the Representatives of our people from asking me to show up in their Assembly while they peppered me with questions the other day, on how we have been dealing with Palm Oil resources……

Haba! You should know I had you covered from Day one. Which other Minister in my cabinet would I have allowed to get away with announcing the removal of subsidy from Palm products on the first day of the New Year without approval from me? Only you, Alice! And haven’t you seen that the investigations into how we have handled the Palm Oil and Palm wine business in our community are already dying a natural death?
I know… But the people in our Assembly are still indirectly suggesting that I have questions to answer…that the Report has been sent to our Crimes Commission for….

Which crimes commission? The Report is right under my bed like the rest before them. Is that what you have been wondering about? And haven’t you seen how we set up the head of that probe committee to start talking nonsense? First he said he didn’t collect the bribe Money from Ottemindam; our friend the Palm Oil dealer. Then the next day, he said he collected the money, but only to set Ottemindam up. By the time we are done with him, the so called Report which I know should point accusing fingers at how you and all of us have really dealt with the Ofodua community, would have been eaten by cockroaches and rats right under my bed. Don’t play with me o! hehehehe!
Okay, that is a bit re-assuring. But ….
But what, Alice?

You know the Representatives of our people still gathered last Friday, and intoned that the integrity of their Report indicting the Oil Palm and Palm Wine thieves in our community has not been eroded by that ‘boy’s’ foolishness. I am wondering if…..

Alice! Alice!! I can’t believe you are still in wonderland! Our Assembly is dominated by people from our Party. The Head of the Representatives of our people is a Party Man. The ‘boy’ who couldn’t say ‘No’ to bribe money is a party man. The one who went to bribe is a Party Man. And you know how we do it in our Party? We always settle issues like a family. This storm in a teacup is no exception. It’s a family affair.
Hmmm…Okay, Ovaarnong…..

I have learned one thing since I ascended the throne as Ovaarnong of the Ofodua people. Never bow to pressure. NEVER!!! If it wasn’t for the fact that they closed all businesses in January, including the lucrative Palm Oil business which puts so much food and all these drinks and Palm wine on my family table, I would not have yielded to the pressure of lowering the price of Palm oil. The Journalists at ‘Wahala Reporters’—Adesanmi and Olumhense are still shouting themselves hoarse, saying; “declare your assets, Ovaarnong, declare your assets, Ovaarnong!” Which Assets? Na their Papa go declare assets nor be me! How many Ovaarnongs before me have declared their assets?(apart from the sick one?) Why have they suddenly become so particular about me declaring my assets? Let me tell you, everybody is pointing accusing fingers at me because I am not from the ‘efona’(clan) that has been ruling our people. That’s why. And they can screw themselves for all I care. The other day, we attended a Church service where the Minister was practically coercing us to say ‘Amen’ after a prayer I considered an insult. I didn’t even cough. I may look soft on the outside, but they are no tougher cookies than me in this Kingdom.

But Ovaarnong, if the Representatives of our people keep piling the pressure on you to fire me, because of all the shady deals you and I and all our friends have conducted and are still conducting with Palm Oil, will you pull the trigger?

Hahaaaaaaaaaa….hhooooohoooohoooo. Pull which trigger? Is it the Police trigger or the other one? Alice, listen, I would never sack you. I don’t have too many beautiful women in my Cabinet. Okay, listen…. but jokes apart, why would I ever think of a thing like that? You are my ‘In-law’, shey you know that one? We are from the same clan and all that…Alice, there are certain things you should not worry about. I would rather sack myself than sack you.

Thank You, Ovaarnong. I have to be on my way.
It’s okay. But all these diamonds and Gold you always wear…. Na wa o! That is one thing you and Madam have in common—shopping. While she’s buying the whole of Dubai, you are wiping all the Gold shops clean..heheheeeeeehee. Women… you people will not kill someone. It’s okay; after all, that is why as men we have to keep making the money.

That is how it should be now! Before nko?
Hold on, before you leave. Jeremiah! Jeremiah!! Please pour us some Palm wine and bring some slices of Cassava bread for myself and Madam. I guess it’s too early to drink ‘Spirits’. The wine was from one of our numerous tappers, by the way. You should know him. Dan, the Son of Gote……
Dedicated to @halybee, who has consistently cajoled me to pen another satire after ELA; @Karibiba, who pulled a ‘Sting Operation’ on me as I set about putting this piece together; and the rustic community of Ofodua, from whose lowly and decrepit classroom blocks I first learned how to string words into sentences.
The Writer is on Twitter @egbas

EkekeeeDOTcom
 

Embattled Farouk Lawan Released On Bail

Lawan, who has been in custody since Thursday when he answered the police invitation to come and answer questions regarding his role in the $620, 000 bribery scandal, was released on bail today Saturday 16th June, 2012.

 However the police has warned that unless the alleged $620, 000 bribe which he has admitted he collected, is produced this week, he would be invited again.

He was granted bail by the Head of the Police Special Task force investigating the matter, CP Ali Amodu at about 4pm. One of his counsels, Mr Rickey Tarfa (SAN) was present.

Farouk Lawan Still In Police Custody Fails To Make Available Marked Dollar Bills Claimed It Was Stolen By Burglars

 Farouk Lawan, who is at the centre of a $620,000 bribery scandal, after the lawmaker failed to turn in the marked notes he received in the sting operation that nailed him, officials said Friday night.

He received the amount as an advance payment for $3 million, from oil business mogul, Femi Otedola, and cleared two of Mr. Otedola’s oil firms that were accused of taking part in the more than N1 trillion fraud.


But asked by investigators to surrender the notes, marked and secretly videotaped by agents, Mr. Lawan could only afford a few left overs, claiming the rest had been stolen by burglars, a police source said. 

Force spokesperson, Frank Mba, confirmed he remained in custody because “investigations were still ongoing.”

A highly placed police officer later told this newspaper at midnight that the lawmaker was offered bail with conditions he couldn't meet.

Latest revelations from top security  sources, who have seen the videos of the exchange, say on the three occasions Mr. Lawan visited the businessman for the deal, he drove himself in a C- class Mercedes Benz.

For each of the visits, five video recordings, averaging a duration of eight to 10 minutes, were made.

The lawmaker negotiated the terms of the bribe with Mr. Otedola over a lunch on the first visit, the source said. He later received the first part of $250,000 on the second visit, which was around 11 p.m. Then, he got the second part of the money on the third visit which was around 5.05 am.

Dressed in a green agbada and a sokoto cap, the source said, Mr. Lawan stuffed the wads in his pockets and under the cap possibly to conceal the package from Mr. Otedola’s domestic aides since they hadn't seen him enter with a baggage.

“In the video, Lawan was clearly seen stuffing wads of dollar bills into his pocket; when his pocket was full, to the utter shock of those who watched the video, he removed his cap and concealed the remaining wads of dollar bills inside it and replaced the cap on his head,” the source said.

Femi Otedola Set To Sue House Of Reps For Defamation Of Character

Femi Otedola

The House of Representative might be facing a trillion naira lawsuit for defamation of character after its plenary session on Friday adopted a resolution to re-enlist Femi Otedola's Zenon Oil and Gas Ltd and Synopsis Enterprise Ltd on the list of companies that had corruptly enriched selves through fraudulent subsidy payments, Huhuonline.com has learnt from sources close to the business magnat


But Femi Otedola has threatened court action saying the House reps dragged his reputation into disrepute by involving him in a sector which is not even his line of business. Chief Femi Otedola, a major player in the bribery saga over the probe into the management of oil subsidy, is also angry at insinuations by some House members that he framed Lawan and that he (Otedola) is just as guilty.




Otedola believes the failure of the police and the State Security Service (SSS) to make public the video recording he gave them is causing him a lot of damage. Huhuonline.com has learnt that Otedola has approached a lawyer to seek an order compelling the SSS to publish the audio and video recording to show who did what and when.


Otedola has said he wants the case handled on merit and not on sentiments and he is prepared to confront Farouk Lawan in court. The move came as the House of Representatives re-instated Otedola's company, Zenon Oil and Gas to be investigated by security and anti-graft agencies as one of the companies that collected foreign exchange (Forex) from the Central Bank of Nigeria to import fuel but failed to do so. 

Farouk Lawan Finally In Police Custody, Undergoing Interrogation Over $620,000 Bribe

EMBATTLED Chairman of the fuel subsidy probe panel in the House of Representatives, Farouk Lawan, on Thursday surrendered himself to police for interrogation over the $620,000 bribe he had confessed to receiving from an oil marketer, Femi Otedola.

The lawmaker was subsequently interrogated and detained along with the Clerk of his committee, Boniface Emenalo.

Lawan arrived at the office of the police Special Task Force at the Louis Edet House Force headquarters about 4pm, in company with  Emenalo and five lawyers.


The lawmaker was detained briefly before he was taken to the interrogation room where detectives, led by the Commissioner of Police in charge of the STF, Ali Ahmadu, quizzed him four several hours.
As of the time of filing this report, the diminutive legislator was still undergoing questioning.
The police on Wednesday had hinted that they would declare the lawmaker wanted if he refused to give himself up for interrogation on the bribery scandal

Otedoda had claimed that Lawan demanded and received the money, being part of a $3m bribe deal, in order to remove his Zenon Oil from the list of those indicted in a N1.7trn subsidy rot.
The businessman said Lawan collected $500,000 in two tranches of $250,000 while he sent Emenalo to collect $120,000 at a later date.

However, on Monday Lawan, who had denied receiving the bribe, confessed to have received the bribe but that he only did so to expose Otedola.

Police sources told our correspondent that immediately the lawmaker showed up at the STF office on the first floor of the police headquarters, Ahmadu promptly went to the office of the Acting Inspector-General of Police, Mohammed Abubakar, on the 7th floor to brief him and take directives.

Two other senior officers, namely  the Assistant Inspector-General of Police in charge of Intelligence, 
Solomon Arase; and the DIG, Intelligence, Peter Gana, also joined the STF boss in an emergency meeting with the Acting IG where the strategies on the interrogation were said to have been discussed.
Abubakar, who initiated the investigation into the bribery scandal, left his office around 6pm and later came back apparently to get an immediate report on the interrogation of Lawan and Emenalo.

Otedola had appeared before the STF on Tuesday, where he was said to have written a detailed statement on his encounter with the lawmaker and how he gave the bribe to him.

Meanwhile, barring last minute changes, the House will at its emergency meeting on Friday (today) mandate its Committee on Ethics and Privileges to probe the $3m bribery allegation against Lawan. The lawmakers may also ask Lawan to step down from his committee chairmanship position in the House.

Competent House sources confided in The PUNCH on Thursday that during today's emergency session, the House would ask the committee to investigate the allegation and produce a report within two weeks.
"We are going to be fast and decisive about this whole issue of bribery allegation. We have to act fast to douse the unnecessary tension and the distraction this development has caused our legislative focus", a senior member of the House disclosed to one of our correspondents in Abuja.

The lawmaker, who was privy to the deliberations of the leadership of the House on the matter, explained that Lawan's case would be raised as "a matter of privilege" by members, following which it would be referred to the committee for investigation.

An unconfirmed account said that about 150, out of the 360 members of the House, were however pushing for the suspension of Lawan, while some were advising against a "hasty penalty."
There were those who suggested that the matter be investigated first in the spirit of fair hearing.
There were indications also that two other resolutions might be reached today by the House.
One o f the resolutions would be for Lawan to step down from any chairmanship position he holds in the House. Members are also said to have agreed to pass a resolution that anti-graft agencies should investigate "all corruption allegations against Lawan in this respect" and proceed to prosecute him and any accomplice if they are found wanting.

Findings indicated that some lawmakers had suggested that an ad hoc committee should conduct the investigation, but the majority of the members favoured the Committee on Ethics and Privileges.
"The committee is a standing committee of the House; this is the purpose it was set up.
"It was put in place to look into any issue touching the individual or collective privileges of members of the House", the senior legislator who spoke with one of our correspondents, added.
When reminded that Lawan said he hinted the Chairman of the House Committee on Drugs/Narcotics and Financial Crimes, Mr. Adams Jagaba, of the bribe, the senior lawmaker described Lawan's action as an "afterthought."

He added, "Lawan will step down honourably (as chairman) but he may not be suspended from the House yet. The principle of fair hearing demands that he will be given the opportunity to defend himself.
"He should have reported to the House immediately he collected the money. It is true that we asked him to investigate the utilisation of fuel subsidy funds, but his mandate did not include taking money from anybody."
Meanwhile, The PUNCH learnt on Thursday that a private television station in the country had been contracted to air today's proceedings live.

A source privy to the arrangement told one of our correspondents that this was to discourage further speculation on "what the House did or did not do."
Deputy House Leader, Mr. Leo Ogor, said today's proceedings would be "transparent because we have nothing to hide."

PUNCHNG

The Gospel According To ‘Saint’ Farouk. A Must Read, Read Read Read!!!!

1)  And it came to pass after these things, on the first day of the first month of the twelfth year after the second millennium, that king Jona son of Bele announced to the people saying; there is no money left in the royal treasury, and the future of the kingdom is in great danger.

2) Therefore, a measure of oil shall no longer sell for three scores of silver and seven, but shall now be seven scores of silver and one. But the people grumbled aloud, and said unto another, what shall it profit our king to gain all these oil money and lose his throne?

3) For it is appointed unto him to reign but once, and after this prison, for many are the atrocities which he has committed.

4)  So they said unto the king, eat thou thy food in peace in the palace, and surround thou thyself with thine women, only touch not our oil price and do thy people no harm.


5) But the king would not listen, and said unto himself, I know my people, they shall only grumble for a while and soon they shall forget.

6) But the people would not forget, for the burden was too much for them to bear, and they said; now unto him that is able to increase the price of oil exceeding abundantly above all that his people can bear or think, according to the greed which worketh in him;

7) Unto him be curses in the streets by the masses throughout all ages, protests without end.
So they took to the streets and gave the land no peace, and there was no going out or coming in throughout the kingdom for two weeks, and the king feared greatly and said to himself, surely these people shall overturn me if I answer them not.

9) So he called the head of the labourers unto the palace, and gave him bags of gold, that they might turn off the wrath of the people against the king.

10) So the king assembled the people and said unto them; a measure of oil shall no longer be seven scores of silver and one, but shall now be four scores of silver, one dozen and one, to this your leaders have agreed. Praise me now therefore for I am a benevolent king.

11) And after all these, the Loudspeaker of the House of People said, let us inquire into the king’s claim that there be no money in the royal treasury. So they appointed Farcrook, son of Lawal.
12) And said unto him, gather ye now all the oil sellers, that we may know who stole from the kingdom. This did him with diligence, and came back with his report saying

13) Thieves abound in the land, and so have the oil sellers stole from the people, and gave them not oil, this they did with the help of Aliyaro the king’s mistress; and the amount he mentioned was unheard of in the land.

14) When the people heard this, they were dismayed, and sorrow gripped their hearts.

15) But the oil sellers went in unto the king in his chamber, and said; rememberest thou O king that the what we stole did we made available to thy campaign, and by thus did we make you king.

16) If thou deliver us unto the people that they may punish us, we will hold not our tongue to tell the people that thou art one of us.

17) And they said unto him, how else shall we destroy the message if not to destroy the messenger? Let us therefore implicate Farcrook the son of Lawal in this matter.

18) So they sent a certain rich man from the West by the name Otedollar, and he took Farcrook into his house and gave him some money, that he may alter the report which he had set before the people.

19) And it was that Otedollar went before an assembly of the people and said unto them, trust ye this man who said we stole from the treasury? Surely he is one of us, for he came unto me in the middle of the night, and he left with his pockets full of money.

20) And the people where amazed, and their hearts bled, for Farcrook was a man in whom they had to their trust.

21) So Farcrook arose, and said; Otedollar is my briber, I did not request. He maketh me to sit down in his Maitama house; he leadeth me beside the chilled champagne.

22) He exploited me greed; he leadeth me in the paths of marked dollars for subsidy’s sake.

23) Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of EFCC, I will fear no arrest: for bribes are with me; my loots and my kickbacks they comfort me.

24) Thou preparest the dollars before me, in the presence of the SSS: thou anointest my mouth with wine; my pocket runneth over.

25) Surely the shame and reproach shall follow me all the days of my life, but I will dwell in the house of PDP forever and ever.

26) And the people wept, but there was no one to console them.

Ogunyemi Bukola
Follow @zebbook on twitter
SOURCE

Farouk Lawan In Another N11 Billion Bribe From Oil Cabal

The Chairman of the House of Representatives Ad-Hoc Committee on fuel subsidy, Hon Farouk Lawan, may be in more trouble as Police HNvesdmgawors revealR$uhat the Honourable member and some of his colleagues were suspected of soliciting and receiving bribes from Oil Marketers amounting over N11Billion.

This amount is not part of the $620,000 Hon Lawan received from My Femi Odetola. Details on this report came in as reactions pour in on the $620,000 Hon Lawan bribery scanda


The Police say that have launched a new investigation into a fresh allegation that an additional N11bn in bribes changed hands. 
Information is still sketchy but a source from the Police on Tuesday night, said a member of the committee had told police investigators that some members of the committee solicited bribes totalling N11bn from some oil marketing firms.

The source said that the member, whom he said sang like a canary, also explained how the money was shared.

While some like Sadiq Abdulhakeem defends Lawan and said:
Consider these points: 1. Zenon is a company that imports diesel and aviation fuel which are already subsidised. 2. Zenon is not under investigation by the panel 3. Why is Otedola now bribing an official to taint the report for who exactly? 4. Why even bribe for a report already submitted? 5. If giving a bribe, why give it with an intention to catch the person being bribed. The dollar bills given to Farouk were all( marked and t~aceable. The fact is, a meeting was held by oil marketers (The cabal, with political affiliates) and a decision was made to discredit the report as much as possible. Otedola was selected since he had nothing to loose from the probe to carry out a bribe on an official.

 Farouk accepted the money with an intent to expose Otedole but is now underfire by the immediate interpretation of the Nigerian plp without given considerations as to events leading to it. Now, that Farouk seems tainted, a call will be made to discredit the authenticity of the probe and sweep it under the rug. The cabal gets its way and Nigerians are fooled as usual once again. Lets not give them that pleasure and insist the findings of the report must be made public and all guilty parties must be held accountable including Otedola for bribing a government official. May God help us and protect the Nigerian people.

But further discoveries suggest Lawan Farouk's Purported letters are Fake and Claims are Lies.
Investigations by Hope For Nigeria shows that the claims by the embattled Chairman of the House of Representatives’ Ad hoc committee on fuel subsidy, Farouk Lawan’s claim that he wrote Mr. Adams Jagaba explaining the 'bribe' from Mr. Femi Otedola is not true.

The Chairman of the House Committee on Drugs/Narcotics and Financial Crimes, Mr. Adams Jagaba who have confided to his colleagues that he received no letter or evidence of Bribery from Mr Lawan. 
Members of the House Representative who spoke with Hope For Nigeria were angered on why Hon Farouk Lawan choose to soil his name in this form. They queried his rational for reporting to Hon Jagaba instead of the Police or relevant security agencies or keeping the money until the whole scandal was blown open.

House members claimed that they did not receive the bribe money against Hon Lawan's claim that he handed it over to Hon Jagaba to give to the leadership of the House.
Hon Jagaba in phone interview said that “there is no connection between my committee and the fuel probe committee and I was not given anything please thank you for calling to confirm from me.” 

A PDP House Representative member from Kano, said that support and sympathy for Hon Lawan has waned since his claim that "the he did not collect any bribe and also that his picture was doctored on the video and all turned to be lies. It is strictly his burden and he should bear it".

Yesterday, the Chairman of Zenon Petroleum, Mr Femi Otedola, handed over to the Police Investigator the audio and video evidence of how Hon Lawan mounted pressure on him and his detailing list of House leadership that will be settled with the bribe money. 

The Video showed how Hon Lawan got the first installment of the bribe and how he demanded the balance of $2,500,000. 

SOURCE