Thus Saith The Clueless King – By Segun Dada. A Must Read

 And it came to pass that on the first day of the sixth month in the second year of the jubilee, the clueless king gathered the men of his inner kitchen together and made merry with them; music blared from the trumpets of Peter and Paul sons of Okeyemus who were appointed the kings musicians as they sang “We must chop thy money, O clueless king”. Cheap booze, cassava bread and women of easy virtue were in excess at the celebration.

Suddenly Rubentus the son of Abat the king’s spokesman rose and shouted, “O clueless king! May thou live and rule forever but whilst we drinketh and make merry, fire is on our mountain!” The clueless king in his drunken state answered saying; “What is it O son of Abat that bringeth fire to our mountains?”.

And Rubentus replied, “O king! Some months ago, when thou was filled with Ogogoro, thou promised thy subjects that in the sixth month of the second year of the Jubilee, the sons of Haramites shall cease to terrorize them”

The King then answered and said; “ I don’t remember any of these things, but if thou sayeth I said so then indeed I did. What shall we do about this?” retorted the clueless king.
Douglass the son of Okonto of the tribe of Bayesia then said, “O king, there exists a man in the kingdom, a kingmaker in the province of Edoab who “fixed” issues like this for your predecessors, he shall fix this, my king. He is Anenih the Edoite. Shall I summon him into your presence, O gracious king?”
 
The king then answered saying, “Good job, Okonto, summon Anenih the Edoite into my presence for his services are needed by the kingdom. We shall constitute a committee to bring him from the province of Edoab and another committee to cater for his wellbeing when he gets here, then we shall constitute another committee to be named The National Distraction Committee where the Edoite shall be the head. Do this immediately.” Okonto and Rubentus the son of Abat were amazed at the wisdom of the King and in unison they were forced to speak in admiration saying “O Clueless One, your wisdom is of the ages. May your cluelessness reign forever!”
 
And the heart of the king was gladdened; and he sought to revel in the praise of his servants, “Call me Queen Gbags and let’s splurge on more Ogogoro.” They partied into the next day.

And it came to pass that at noon on the second day of the sixth month of the second year of jubilee, Rhino the son of Humoki who was in charge of diffusing information to the kingdom of the twittarites on behalf of the king came to the kings quarters saying; “O great King, Anenih the Edoite has arrived and he is presently sitting at your majesty’s court, shall I inform the Twittarites of your meeting with him?” The clueless king replied “Humoki, are you a lizard? You know I am hated by the twittarites and informing them will only cause them to spin stories. Tell the Edoite that I shall join him soon and offer him the leftover cassava bread and ogogoro from yesterday’s celebration”
 
Rhino the son of Humoki then replied saying; “My lord and master, I already drank the remaining ogogoro from last night’s celebration early this morning as I was not invited and what shall I tell the twittarites today?”
The clueless king then replied saying, “little wonder your eyeballs are red, tell the twittarites whatever you want. Tell them I am taking the war against corruption personal or something, just tell them anything! And get out of my chambers and take your stinking breath with you!”

The clueless king then came out to his court and greeted Anenih the Edoite saying, “I am glad to have you in my presence. I need your help on a particular matter. I promised my subjects that by the sixth month of the second year of the Jubilee, the Haramites will bomb them away no more. You and I know that I was drunk on Ogogoro and it was a mere drunken joke and you know these stupid subjects know how to hold me by my words especially the rebellious tribe of the twittarites. I have since constituted a National Distraction Committee and I want you to head it, please come to my aid”

Anenih the Edoite then answered saying, “O dear king, may you live forever! Your cluelessness is great and out of this world! I shall “fix this”. Douglass the son of Okonto and Rubenus son of Abat already briefed me on the situation, and here are the distractions I already have planned. Thou should rename Kanji Dam to Amen-by-Fire Hydroelectric dam, just like the Lagoon University, there will be a new round of protests over the Amen-by-Fire Hydroelectric dam and the subjects will have something else to talk about.

 As soon as this is going cold in the news, thou shall call Ibro the son of Lamrod who is in charge of fighting corruption in the kingdom to dust up some high profile files in his custody and make some arrests. Also I heard that Facrook the son of Lawani the Kanoite collected some bribe from Famo the son of Otedollar of the trade of Oil over the oill subsidy business. We shall take advantage of that and sprawl it over the papers. Thou shalt then direct Rubenus the son of Abat to grease the palms of editors of different newspapers in the province of Lagoon and Ibadan, I already have Thisday covered your majesty. By the time we are finished with them, they shall have forgotten about the expiry date you set for the Haramites”

The clueless king listened to Edoite speak and was happy he asked the Edoite in a loud voice saying, “Anenih the Edoite, thank you very much for doing this, how can I ever repay you? Do you want an oil well or an importation licence?”
 
The Edoite then answered saying “O clueless king, may you reign forever, there is a small matter I need your help for, Adamu the son of Oshimul, one of the rebels, is the governor of my province, elections are around the corner and I need royal might to rig him out. That’s all I need, your majesty”

The clueless king then answered saying “Anenih my humble servant, your request shall be granted! It will be like killing three birds with one stone! You shall get your heart desire, your anointed governor will be added to our cult and rigging that election will be another distraction so the people won’t remember my promise to them”
 
Anenih the Edoite then said; “Dear king, your head is correct! I plead before thee, please chop thou knuckle!” And they chopped knuckle and the Edoite drank his Ogogoro and departed.
The clueless king then called on Rubenus son of Abat saying; ” O Rubenus, the Edoite has agreed to “fix” this for me! No need to worry, my job for today has been done! Please proceed to writing a postdated condolence speech for me in case the Haramites strike again.

 Make thee sure the speech is ready every Saturday night so I may have memorized it. Then call the servants and ministers together; we have achieved a feat today and this calls for celebration! Don’t invite the royal musicians Paul and Peter tonight, invite Wizzy the Kid instead, he perfectly describes the situation. Also get me a pair of my own carrot jeans for I shall be rocking them tonight ”

Rubenus the son of Abat was glad for the King had truly showed true wisdom. Then he called on Humoki saying, “stupid Humoki, can u still handle the twittarites or do I have to handle them for you?”

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