Most Mondays in June, the Sun practically rises from the expansive courtyard of the ‘Ovaarnong’ (Chief) of Ofodua, Obubra, in Cross River State. A slew of local alcoholic beverages (‘ogogoro’, Palm wine, ‘kparaga’ ,‘awakpa’ etc) are competing for space on a dusty table beside where the Ovaarnong sits now, draped in a bowler hat, a white inner shirt and wrapper; with a plank sized chewing stick tucked firmly between both lips, while awaiting his first guest of the day. She arrives, fluttering eyelashes seductively and adorned in ‘Chris Aire’ gold apparels from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. She is the delectable and pretty Minister of Oil Palm resources in the Ofodua Kingdom, Alice…….
Good morning your highness! (Alice is the only Minister who doesn’t curtsy while greeting the Ovaarnong)
Please sit. Welcome. What took you so long? Hehehe…You don’t need to give any reasons for arriving two hours late…that was just a rhetorical question.
Where’s Madam? I was busy trying to make myself look good…at least for you….
Madam? Is that why you are sitting so far away? Come closer, will you? Madam hopped on the first flight to Dubai this morning. You know she doesn’t mess around with Dubai. When she’s not in Dubai, she is in Lagos getting in people’s way with her wonderful command of the English Language while causing vehicular traffic all over the place.
I see. I am wondering about a lot of things. As a matter of fact, I am pained this morning. I have been pained for a while.
Alice, you make me laugh…kwakwaaaaakwaaaaa… Pained over what? You should know you are the most powerful Minister in the Cabinet. I have assured you about that status a number of times. And don’t bother about my spare tyre called ‘Vice’ o! You are unofficially the next in command in this Kingdom…heheheeeeee
Really? And you could not stop the Representatives of our people from asking me to show up in their Assembly while they peppered me with questions the other day, on how we have been dealing with Palm Oil resources……
Haba! You should know I had you covered from Day one. Which other Minister in my cabinet would I have allowed to get away with announcing the removal of subsidy from Palm products on the first day of the New Year without approval from me? Only you, Alice! And haven’t you seen that the investigations into how we have handled the Palm Oil and Palm wine business in our community are already dying a natural death?
I know… But the people in our Assembly are still indirectly suggesting that I have questions to answer…that the Report has been sent to our Crimes Commission for….
Which crimes commission? The Report is right under my bed like the rest before them. Is that what you have been wondering about? And haven’t you seen how we set up the head of that probe committee to start talking nonsense? First he said he didn’t collect the bribe Money from Ottemindam; our friend the Palm Oil dealer. Then the next day, he said he collected the money, but only to set Ottemindam up. By the time we are done with him, the so called Report which I know should point accusing fingers at how you and all of us have really dealt with the Ofodua community, would have been eaten by cockroaches and rats right under my bed. Don’t play with me o! hehehehe!
Okay, that is a bit re-assuring. But ….
But what, Alice?
You know the Representatives of our people still gathered last Friday, and intoned that the integrity of their Report indicting the Oil Palm and Palm Wine thieves in our community has not been eroded by that ‘boy’s’ foolishness. I am wondering if…..
Alice! Alice!! I can’t believe you are still in wonderland! Our Assembly is dominated by people from our Party. The Head of the Representatives of our people is a Party Man. The ‘boy’ who couldn’t say ‘No’ to bribe money is a party man. The one who went to bribe is a Party Man. And you know how we do it in our Party? We always settle issues like a family. This storm in a teacup is no exception. It’s a family affair.
Hmmm…Okay, Ovaarnong…..
I have learned one thing since I ascended the throne as Ovaarnong of the Ofodua people. Never bow to pressure. NEVER!!! If it wasn’t for the fact that they closed all businesses in January, including the lucrative Palm Oil business which puts so much food and all these drinks and Palm wine on my family table, I would not have yielded to the pressure of lowering the price of Palm oil. The Journalists at ‘Wahala Reporters’—Adesanmi and Olumhense are still shouting themselves hoarse, saying; “declare your assets, Ovaarnong, declare your assets, Ovaarnong!” Which Assets? Na their Papa go declare assets nor be me! How many Ovaarnongs before me have declared their assets?(apart from the sick one?) Why have they suddenly become so particular about me declaring my assets? Let me tell you, everybody is pointing accusing fingers at me because I am not from the ‘efona’(clan) that has been ruling our people. That’s why. And they can screw themselves for all I care. The other day, we attended a Church service where the Minister was practically coercing us to say ‘Amen’ after a prayer I considered an insult. I didn’t even cough. I may look soft on the outside, but they are no tougher cookies than me in this Kingdom.
But Ovaarnong, if the Representatives of our people keep piling the pressure on you to fire me, because of all the shady deals you and I and all our friends have conducted and are still conducting with Palm Oil, will you pull the trigger?
Hahaaaaaaaaaa….hhooooohoooohoooo. Pull which trigger? Is it the Police trigger or the other one? Alice, listen, I would never sack you. I don’t have too many beautiful women in my Cabinet. Okay, listen…. but jokes apart, why would I ever think of a thing like that? You are my ‘In-law’, shey you know that one? We are from the same clan and all that…Alice, there are certain things you should not worry about. I would rather sack myself than sack you.
Thank You, Ovaarnong. I have to be on my way.
It’s okay. But all these diamonds and Gold you always wear…. Na wa o! That is one thing you and Madam have in common—shopping. While she’s buying the whole of Dubai, you are wiping all the Gold shops clean..heheheeeeeehee. Women… you people will not kill someone. It’s okay; after all, that is why as men we have to keep making the money.
That is how it should be now! Before nko?
Hold on, before you leave. Jeremiah! Jeremiah!! Please pour us some Palm wine and bring some slices of Cassava bread for myself and Madam. I guess it’s too early to drink ‘Spirits’. The wine was from one of our numerous tappers, by the way. You should know him. Dan, the Son of Gote……
Dedicated to @halybee, who has consistently cajoled me to pen another satire after ELA; @Karibiba, who pulled a ‘Sting Operation’ on me as I set about putting this piece together; and the rustic community of Ofodua, from whose lowly and decrepit classroom blocks I first learned how to string words into sentences.
The Writer is on Twitter @egbas
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