It is 10:45pm in the bowels of the ‘Candy Shop’—an upscale Bar which also doubles as a strip-tease club in the Maitama Area of Abuja. Reuben Abati and Reno Omokri, the President’s Media men, are engaged in a strategy session this Friday night. In the background, a mish mash of songs from ‘Riding Dirty, ‘Thong Song’ and ‘Do me I do you’, are blaring from the loud speakers; back-to-back…….
I appreciate your timely response regarding this meeting. We have to draft another Press Release……
What? ?!! We have already sent out Six Press Releases in the last………
Shut up, Reno! You work under me and you have to do as I say. I am your Boss and will remain so. When I began writing for The Guardian, you were still in your diapers. If the circumstances in the polity demand that we write a Press Release for everyday of the week, we will.
But we are still fighting the backlash and criticisms from the last Press Release……
You don’t get it, Reno. My name is Reuben Abati and Everybody Loves Abati. My Releases to the Media have been well received by Nigerians. I don’t know what backlash you are referring to.
You make me laugh. What have you been smoking lately, Dr? “Well received”, did I hear you say? You have no idea of the amount of insults I receive on Twitter any time I type those Releases! Do you know what I go through from ‘El-rufai’s Boys ‘on Twitter anytime I begin posting those Releases?
Hahahahaa! That is your job description…..by the way, who are’ El-rufai’s Boys’?
Ah, they are a lot o! in fact, I just don’t respond to their ‘mentions’ otherwise Twitter would have crashed by now. I know some by their Twitter handles. Here’s the list…they are all over Twitter. As a matter of fact, I suspect El-rufai is even floating a Youth Movement…..
Are you serious? Anyway, we need Twitter for the President’s transformation agenda to be taken to the four corners of the country, ‘El-rufai’s Boys’ or not. Maybe you should concentrate on facebook, then, if Twitter is getting so hot. Just a suggestion, though.
Are you kidding me? Facebook is worse!! Every time I sign in, the invectives and name-calling are already waiting for me. This job is not easy, Dr. The only thing that prevents me from throwing in the towel as the President’s Special Assistant on New Media is YOLO and YODO…..and the cool cash of course….hehehehehe!
What is YOLO and YODO? Are you getting drunk already from two bottles of Heineken?
Well, the joke is on you. Since you left The Guardian, you have been so cut off from the real world….buhahahahaha! YOLO is an acronym for, You Only Live Once, and YODO: You Only Die Once. I picked that from Twitter.
I see. You are not doing badly, then. You see, we have a President who is always a minute away from a faux pas and a gaffe. So, we have to keep writing these Releases; sometimes even in advance—before he opens his mouth. It’s a tough job, but that’s what we signed up for. The other day, I even had to tell the Media he is a fashion icon. Even before the words left my mouth, I knew I was lying. Did you see him looking lost in Military fatigues with dark glasses the other day? Fashion Icon, indeed!! The man is a mistake waiting to happen….But….
But what?
What do you think of our last Press Release to Buhari?
Don’t get me started, please. Every Press Release we have written in this Bar, has been so useless and uncivilized. Maybe it is the alcohol levels or something. Or maybe we need a change of Bar.I remember warning you that we should be writing our Releases in the office during the day….
Reno! Reno!! How many times have I called you?
Two times, Dr.
Good. This should be the last bottle you gulp tonight. Bar man! Give him more ‘Nkwobi’. You need more goat head pepper soup, just so I can know that your transformation into a Goat is now complete. Do you know what I pass through every day, dousing flames here and there? And when I come to relax here in the quietude of the Night to write a Press Release, you say I shouldn’t? Watch your mouth.
Well, the CPC and ACN said your last Release had gutter language, was un-Presidential and very uncivilized. I want to think they were right?
Really? Was Buhari’s own civilized? When he was talking about Baboons and Dogs nko? And lots of blood? Did you tweet that too?
Ah, Yes o! As soon as I started tweeting, ‘El-rufai’s Boys’ swooped on me.
I also think that sometimes you should wait a bit before you tweet—like, allow tempers mellow a bit or something. Looks to me like you always like tweeting in a haste…..
Me? ‘Like’ Tweeting? Mbanu! I only do it because it’s my job. Which is why I think we should cut down on the Releases. Even when I tweeted something as harmless as extending the President’s condolence to the late Yekini family, they abused me. When I said they should vote for Jonathan as one of TIME Magazine’s influential people, they took me apart. When I said we were giving Youths jobs, come see insults! Abeg, the thing dey tire person. I must be the most hated man on Twitter right now.
E pele. We have to keep on until we are fired. This job is not Beans; it is ‘akpu’. Did you refer Buhari to the Zoo too, on Twitter?
Yes now! I typed the whole statement. They now even refer to me as Reno ‘Omockery ‘on Twitter.
You are a fool, Reno!
What?
You heard me right. You deserved to be called more than ‘Omockery’. So you even went to write about Buhari going to the Zoo?
Yes, I did. One of your numerous gutter and ‘Beer parlour’ languages. And the one where you talked about him going to the blood bank to donate blood, given his thirst for blood….
Me? Did I write that, too? E gba mi o! Osanobua! Okitipupa! Okitipupa!! You mean your friends on Twitter saw that too?
Yes, they did.
Reno, take another bottle. I change my mind. I need you a bit tipsy for the drive home. Let me tell you something you don’t know—when I was Editorial Board Chairman of The Guardian, I received ‘gifts’ here and there for doing my Job. That didn’t take anything away from my Sunday and Friday columns. Sahara Reporters; those ‘olofofos’ ,even cried at one point saying I received a parcel of Land from President Yar’Adua as bribe. Let me tell you: it was not a bribe; it was simply a reward for doing my Job. Even with all these stories flying around, I was still widely read as a columnist. When I leave this Job, I will go and write a Book about my stewardship and return as a columnist. Everybody loves me. It is a fact of life. In this business, Son, you have to develop a thick skin and raw nerves and stop crying because of a few insults on Twitter.
Okay, sir!
Good boy! So, bring out your Ipad. As soon as we draft the Press Release, you tweet immediately.
But you said I should be holding on…..
I didn’t say so. I only said you should wait till I say: ‘Tweet’.
So, what is the Press Release about this time? Another baboon in town?
Were you in another part of the World when the Minister of Science and Technology said Nigeria will be going to Space in 2015?
Hahahahahaha! I saw it all over Twitter this morning. The insults and mockery had begun when I signed out and had to go drop my kids in school.
Good. We have to draft a Press Release telling the Nigerian people that that was the Minister’s personal opinion…. that President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan is only concerned about implementing his transformation agenda and giving Nigerians plenty of fresh air. And when he has done all that, we can now go to Space; erm……for more air!
Hahahaha! The Dr, the Dr!
Yes!! Can I help you, Mr “Tweeting lies?”. And for those ‘El-rufai’s Boys’, look for their leader, and let us shut them up with a few cash. Movement kor, Static ni! Take another drink, jare! I told you, everybody loves me. And my name is Reuben Abati! I didn’t come to Abuja to count bridges and skyscrapers. Meanwhile, how many fingers am I holding up now?
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